Think about how profound this question is for a minute.
“What if we afforded our children the same respect as we give our peers and other adults?”
I often wonder how different our world would be if we each extended human dignity to all of mankind, including our children.
I pose this question in the hopes of creating a new paradigm to improve the lives of our children by teaching them the meaning of dignity and how preserving the dignity of others enhances their own lives. When we treat someone with dignity, we are treating him or her with respect and worthiness; essentially we are treating them in the same manner we wish to be treated. Our self-esteem and self-worth is significantly impacted by how we are treated, as well as how we treat others. Each day poses opportunities to teach our children why preserving human dignity is crucial to enriching the lives of all humanity. It is our job to guide and lead our children to see these opportunities in their daily lives.
“Because, I’m the boss. That’s why.”
In our society, children are often treated as though they are second-class citizens, as if their feelings and thoughts are not real and have no value. When our children do not act appropriately, we as a society paint their growing minds with ridicule, humiliation, criticism, and belittling with the added downside of long, boring lectures where we expect eye contact and quiet listening. We may use the “angry glare” or the same angry stare we flash at a distant, unknown driver who cut us off on the road. This stare is a form of bullying, and we use it to intimidate and to cause discomfort to another person. Yes, we do this to our children. We are much larger, more experienced, and have more authority over our children, and they know it and we know it. We verbalize this through our actions, body language, voice tone and we tell them straight up, “Because, I’m the boss. That’s why.”
For example, when Trevor was in kindergarten, one of his caregivers wrote him up for “stealing” another child’s snacks, which were carrots. When I was picking him up, she hurriedly pulled out the write up for me to sign and began reading it out loud in front of Trevor, other students, and parents. This came so natural to her that she did not even realize the harm of her actions. Trevor was hugging my leg and wiggling around nervously during her entire speech. She did not notice his fears or embarrassment.
In the message, she mentioned Trevor was instructed to sit in a timeout, which he refused. Timeouts are belittling and humiliating; we may as well bring the “dunce” cap back. Think about it; you are a child who gets in trouble and is then put on a display of mockery in front of others. I am guilty of using this method myself; trust me, the effect is not long-term. We adults have our own behaviors; however, how many adults do we send to timeout, and if we did, how many would do so willingly? Exactly. None. Why, because it is disrespectful. So, why do we do this to our children? (There are times children, as well as adults, need to step away. That “step away” does not have to be a “step-on-display.” It can be a step-to-self-control with parental guidance, where authentic parental listening is key.)
This caregiver missed a tremendous opportunity to teach Trevor and other students the meaning of human dignity. She could have asked Trevor, “What’s going on? Why do you want the carrots? Are you hungry? It is important we learn to share; however, our rules restrict us from sharing personal snacks. Trevor would you like to choose another snack from our snack box?” It is as simple as that, but instead we have a tendency to jump to the negative—“He was stealing.” From my perspective, the word, “stealing,” kindergartner, and carrots does not mix in the same pot of stew. In this case, ignore the “stealing” and find out the motive of his actions. These are opportunities to teach; do not miss them. Instead, she brewed up a pot of stew full of contemptuous behavior; Trevor adamantly refused to sit in a timeout and had a melt down as a result. He did not learn anything and neither did his friends. He was disrespected during the incident, and then again when I picked him up. His behavior was an expression of being treated disrespectfully.
Words Are Authenticated by Action
Merely saying the words — “I love you.” “Please.” “Thank you.” or “I am sorry.’” — is not enough; we must teach our children the importance of being genuine and authentic in everything they do and say. Words are authenticated by action. When we show our children through our tone of voice and body language compassion, empathy, honesty, humility, tolerance and respect, we are demonstrating our commitment to not only love them unconditionally, but also how to humble themselves and be empathic toward others.
Forgive your children.
When we practice this approach regularly, our children develop a strong self-esteem and the confidence to self regulate. They are not as quick to strike out with jealousy and anger. They are able to think of alternative ways to respond to their own feelings and step through the barrier to modeling the meaning of human dignity. As they begin to afford others dignity, they enjoy the feeling of helping others and realize the benefits of positively touching another person’s life. Their words and phrases such as — “I love you.” “Thank you.” “Please.” and “I am sorry.” — have authentic, genuine meaning expressed through their actions.
Guide-and-Lead Discipline
Children imitate our actions; they do not necessarily listen to our words of lecture, but you can bet they feel the purpose of our actions. Therefore, we must be diligent with care in how we choose to express our disappointment with their actions and behaviors. Screaming and yelling at our children, does little to influence behavioral correction. Instead it damages the parent-to-child relationship in the same way screaming and yelling destroys adult-to-adult relationships.
When respect barriers are removed from communication, relationship erosion is inevitable.
When respect barriers are removed from communication, relationship erosion is inevitable. However, when we show respect by “guiding and leading” our children to making healthy choices, the parent-to-child connection grows stronger with the added benefit of our children learning from their mistakes. With consistent guide-and-lead discipline, children develop self-control skills and begin exhibiting respectful behaviors to their peers and adults. Guide-and-lead discipline consists of treating children with dignity when they make mistakes, which allows them to self reflect on their own actions. By doing so, they become more cognitive and observant of positive and negative behaviors, not just their own, but the behaviors of others as well. These observations help them to be proactive in problem solving by recognizing the natural consequences of both negative and positive responses to various situations.
At the beginning of the school year, when I would pickup garbage on the sidewalk as we were entering the school, I would say something like, “This should help out our school janitors. They work very hard to keep the school clean; we should all do our part to help too. Right, guys?” Eventually, the boys began picking up garbage on their way into the school. They even began picking up live worms from the sidewalk and moving them to the safety of grass. This is also an act of kindness and showing respect for nature.
As adults, we need to remind ourselves often that we are mentors to our children. Some of us have co-workers, friends, and peers we mentor or guide during difficult situations. It is the same thing with our children except we are mentoring and guiding them to adulthood. When we respect their thoughts and feelings as children, they begin extending expressions of goodwill to others throughout their entire lives. By improving our children’s lives through respectful interaction, we are enabling our youth to focus on learning and expanding their minds. They are not as stressed. They are more likely to share their daily life experiences with us. When any of us is operating under stress, our short memory is affected and our ability to function and self regulate is compromised. Children are no different.
Mason is four years older than Trevor. Some of Mason’s clothes I save for Trevor. Up until recently, I was saving Mason’s underwear for Trevor.
However, on one crisp, fall morning, Trevor called me into the bedroom, “Mom, come here please!” When I entered, Trevor was holding up underwear in his right hand and shaking them at me. “Mom, what’s this? These are Mason’s; not mine.” I take the underwear and look at the size and hand them back as I respond, “Oh, these are a size 5/6. They are your size; they are yours now.” He raised his right nostril in disgust and shaking his head back and forth very casually said, “I’m not doing that.” And, he tossed the underwear on top of the dresser. I stood stunned for a moment and casually said back to him, “I don’t understand.” He repeated, “I’m not doing that.” He then took HIS underwear from the drawer and put them on.
What else was there for me to say? I most certainly am not going to wear someone else’s used under garments, so I cannot blame him for not wanting to wear Mason’s. This is an example of me innocently enough expecting Trevor to do something I would not do myself. However, Trevor let me know it is a big deal to him. I confirmed his feelings with silence and walked away smiling.
Note: I know there will be some who say, “Passing underwear down the line is gross. However, I am sure I’m not the only parent guilty of underwear treason. I just got caught.
Triple-S – Stressed, Stretched, and Strained
Of course, when our days are hectic and busy, our patience runs slim and trim. We neither have the energy nor the desire to focus on the lessons of dignity when we feel the “Triple-S” – Stressed, Stretched and Strained. At these times, we often disrespect our children by our actions, tone of voice, and lack of patience. As a result, a hot flame of meltdowns spreads throughout the entire household. Although we cannot eliminate the Triple-S’s, we can be proactive and try to prepare for them. The simple act of practicing on a daily basis the lessons of human dignity with your children will help you regulate during your own Triple-S moments.
Say: “I’m sorry.”
And
Forgive yourself.
Writing down all of your feelings and thoughts regularly will help you reflect on ways to minimize and possibly eliminate your Triple-S moments. Apologize to your children when you make mistakes. This is an act of kindness and a lesson in dignity. We often ask our children to apologize for their behaviors and actions; however, we rarely apologize to our children even when we realize our mistakes. It is okay to show your vulnerability by saying, “I’m sorry.” Our ability to show our vulnerability is another opportunity to share human dignity. Above all, treat yourself with dignity; forgive yourself. You are a human being, and as such, you are not perfect and that’s okay.
Building Pyramids of Benevolence
As we treat each other with dignity, we are building pyramids of benevolence that naturally flow from one person to another. The positive consequence of these acts of kindness enhances the lives of all humanity. Therefore, it is crucial for adults to build pyramids of benevolence with their children by teaching them the sanctity of human dignity by how we treat others and sharing opportunities to express kindness, tolerance, humility, integrity, and respect.
If each of us practiced on a daily and regular basis approaching our children with the same respect we afford adults, friends, and peers, our children would grow to understand how preserving human dignity enriches the lives of all humanity, especially their own. In order for us to enjoy respect from our children, we must treat them respectfully and with dignity, even during the most arduous times. Children experience the same feelings we do, albeit from a child’s perspective. They see the world differently with more imagination and curiosity, and with less experience, but the desired respect is the same. They know when they are being belittled and humiliated.
Remember and Practice the “Golden Rule.”
Preserve Human Dignity.
Positive consequences from acts of kindness enhance all lives.
Choose Dignity.
They know when our words are condescending. Many of their extreme behaviors are a product of being disrespected, embarrassed, and hurt. Our daily lessons in human dignity teach children and us the value of human life. When we think the “Golden Rule” most of us think of this in relation to adults, and rarely put this in the perspective of children. When it comes to extending respect, children deserve the same consideration and thoughtful expression as we give our co-workers, friends, and other adults. This does not mean we give children the same freedoms as adults and it does not mean we do not express our disappointment in their actions. However, I have found when I express my feelings to my children and preserve their human dignity with thoughtful consideration to their feelings, the response is incredible. There is less likely to be a behavior, and I am more likely to receive a positive response and even positive feedback.
By treating our children with dignity we are teaching them how to preserve human dignity via their genuine actions of compassion, empathy, and tolerance of others. Each of us builds a pyramid of benevolence each time we extend dignity to another person, including our children. It is a contagious act of kindness building character, integrity, self-control, and humility throughout all of mankind. It benefits all of society to treat our children with the same dignity as we treat our friends, peers, co-workers and other adults.
Let’s teach our children to build Pyramids of Benevolence.
©Tracy Rogers Sult/October 2014
Read, Laugh, Learn
Bravo!!! Well said, yes to the Golden Rule. I’m with my kids this weekend so I will use this advice